Insider Information On The NWS

Silver Spring, Maryland – The National Weather Service (NWS) has been providing weather related information for The United States since 1870. Never has a report from the NWS been as tremendous as what was released this morning.

A whistle blower from deep within the NWS has contacted several news outlets to inform the public that what they see on their local weather forecasts is usually falsehoods. A recent study has revealed that weather forecasts are only roughly 60% accurate. This fact has been tolerated by the general public for many years. In light of new information from the whistle-blower, who wishes to remain anonymous, this tolerance may no longer stand.

Ken Reeves of the NWS, has brought to our attention that for the past three decades, the NWS has had the resources to increase their level of accuracy, but has opted not to. “Technology in weather reporting has come a long way. What you see on your local forecast is complied using the same systems that were in place in the late 1960’s. You may as well just look out your window!” said Reeves in a top secret release to the media. “The prediction of weather patterns has become rather simple since the development of computer simulations that have a complete understanding of isobars.” When we heard this statement, we shared the same question that most Americans have “What is an isobar?” After looking it up on Wikipedia, it states than an isobar is “a line connecting points of equal atmospheric pressure.” That didn’t really solve the question, but we became too bored with the original question to continue researching this meteorological term.

Reeves claims that just over three decades ago, “these computers were capable of predicting the weather down to within 2 degrees of temperature per hour and had the ability to determine the exact amount of precipitation within .03 of an inch.” As they continued work with the computers, the accuracy increased to such levels that the nation’s weather forecasts could be closer to 70-72% accurate.

“They refuse to incorporate these new computer systems for a very simple reason – pride. They like knowing what the weather will be down to the second. Meanwhile the general public still has no idea if they should go out in short sleeves or a down jacket. To hold this lofty information over the heads of the general public gives them a sense of power that is unrivaled.”

Reeves went on to say that this information has inflated their heads greatly. It has gotten to the point where they are tempted to sell weather information to the highest bidder on the black market. This would include other countries. “Canada has expressed great interest to determine when it would be safe for trucks to drive across frozen lakes for their version of the television show, Ice Road Truckers, which they call Truckers. England is less than interested, because they know the weather will always be lousy. Oh, and New Orleans, make sure those levies are fully rebuilt by 8:36 AM on August 22^nd.”

Eddie Murphy To Do All Roles In Next Film

Los Angeles – Long-time comedian Eddie Murphy has announced a new project that he will begin working on before the end of the week. With great films like Trading Places and Coming to America under his belt, he is sure that once he gets back down to his roots that all will forget about Pluto Nash and Meet Dave.

“I have spent a lot of time in this industry and picked up a great deal of knowledge on how this stuff works. I know now what the people are looking for and I am confident that I will be able to deliver once again.” Murphy went on to discuss the success of The Nutty Professor and its sequel, The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. “I played all the characters in that Klumps movie and it did good in the box office. So, I am going to do that again, but on a grander scale.”

Murphy has decided that he will venture out on his new project without assistance from anyone else. He has named himself star, director, camera operator, writer and even best boy.

The idea came to Murphy one February morning. That same day he bought a typewriter to begin work on the super-secret script. He purchased the typewriter because it “felt more authentic” and there was no way that the script could be released on the internet. He later explained to us that he felt that his few movie flops were due to the movie’s facts being released too early and that this drove down ticket sales.

After months of writing and rewriting his script to his liking, Murphy is ready to start production soon. He has already started building sets in his back yard that look as if they may be for a war scene, but the actor was tight-lipped on what they were truly for. “You will just have to wait and see for when the movie comes out.”

Armed with a recently purchased Flip Cam, Murphy hopes to begin filming sometime in the next few days. “I’m waiting for one of the costumes to get back from the cleaners and then it’s time to yell ‘Action’ on this project!” While he won’t release any details, he swears that the film will be his best yet. Without any compromise of his creativeness and any possibility of the film’s details being leaked, he is very confident that this will be “the best in the Beverly Hills Cop series. DAMNIT! I shouldn’t have said that! Please don’t print that.”

Cub Fans Rally Around Harry Caray Statue

Chicago – It should come as no surprise to many Chicagoans that the baseball team on the North side of the city doesn’t tend to do so well at winning games. The Cubs have shared this tradition of non-winning longer than any other team in this history of professional sports. Even their fans have embraced the fact that they will never win by nicknaming themselves “Lovable Losers.” This name was selected by them, not an opponent. But, at some point the “lovable” aspect of things tends to wear out and people become desperate.

That was just the case Wednesday at Wrigley Field. After another disappointing loss by the Cubs, fans began to rally around the statue of beloved former Cubs announcer Harry Caray. What started as a photo op slowly became a discussion of how much they missed the announcer. Things began to escalate from there as a fan, who only wanted to be identified as Mike S., suggested that they begin praying to Harry for the team’s success.

Others, who were also under the influence of Budweiser, felt that this was a good idea. One participant was overheard saying “It couldn’t hurt.” The group held hands and nodded in agreement with Mike S. as he led them in prayer. Some even rocked back in forth with his words.

As the ceremony continued, some fell to their knees and others passed out. Whether these were reactions to the moving messages or the many plastic cups of Budweiser, that still remains to be determined.

Passers by were intrigued by the ever-growing crowd and seemed drawn to its magnetism. Mike S. continued with his speaking as newcomers seemed to be joining with each second. “We have built this statue in your honor, oh great Harry Caray. We now ask that you bless this team in many ways from above. Bless them with the ability to field pop-ups, throw strikes and hit into the drunk baskets.” (The drunk baskets were installed due to the many drunken fans falling onto the field. By rule, should the ball end up in one of these baskets, it is considered a home run.) “May Zambrano hit the ball as hard as he hits Gatorade dispensers. May Dempster finally find the strike zone. And, Dear God Harry, what’s up with DeWitt?”

The group began lighting candles into the night as they stared with glazed eyes at the Harry Caray statue. An acoustic guitar led the group in song. Most songs were renditions of “Go Cubs Go” with the lyrics changed to a more spiritual tone. It was somewhere around this time that the crowd stopped praying to Harry Caray and began worshiping the statue of him, instead. This transition seemed to occur seamlessly.

After hours of prayer, Mike S. led the group over to a bar called “The Cubbie Bear” where they all decided that they would meet each day at 6pm to further their prayers to their new God, the Harry Caray statue, until the Cubs win the World Series. It was with this announcement that the group cheered greatly and hoisted their Budweisers and sang “Go Cubs Go” into the remainder of the evening with the beginning of a new religion – “The Church of The Holy Cow.”

Area Man Reluctantly Decides To Dine At Omega

Downers Grove – It was late last night that a local man was spotted driving between Route 83 and Naperville on Ogden. He would complete the lap and then turn around in a residential area and complete the trip in the opposite direction. At around 9pm last night, he decided that he was interested in getting some food, but was unsure of what he had a taste for

“At that point in the evening, many locations are closed, which really limited my choices.” He said when discussing the evening. He was kind of feeling burritos, but had just finished a burrito from "Los Burritos Tapatios" yesterday, he felt the need to switch up his meal. “Of course, there are many 24 hour locations available, but they seem to lack that ‘X-factor’ that I’m looking for.”

He passed by several White Castles despite their new bacon-enhanced menus. He felt that McDonald's was a cop-out along with Burger King and Taco Bell.

The night dragged on as fewer and fewer red and blue “open” signs were lit. “I don’t want bar food. It is loud in those places and the food at this hour is usually not as rewarding.” He claimed that the cooks get lazier as the night grew closer to closing time and resented those that came in too late.

It was with great reluctance, around the stroke of midnight, that he finally settled on a location to solve his hunger. Its sign had beckoned to him multiple times as he passed the building on the North side of the street. “I was keeping it as my back-up, but it has now become my last remaining option.”

The man reluctantly pulled into the incredibly narrow parking lot of Omega in Downers Grove. He attempted to psych himself up mentally by telling himself “Their bread is good.” while walking from his car to the door.

As he sat down in the plastic booth, he knew he was in for bad service and nearly worse food. “We have all been in this situation before.” he sighed. “But, at least I can get the meal I was looking for. I plan on trying to leave before this place gets really crowded with the after-bar crowd and the Emo teenagers show up.”

No information was given on what the man ordered. However, speculation due to previous events, leads us to believe that is was not prepared correctly nor served in a timely manner.

New Revelations Found In Bin Laden's Diary

Washington D.C. – In a recent press conference, White House press agent, Jay Carney, announced that new information about Osama Bin Laden has been discovered through many incredible revelations within his diary. One of the many revelations was that he was a huge fan of the Fox sci-fi television series, “Firefly,” before Fox took it off the air. This move by Fox further fueled his hatred for the Western world. He also describes his frustrations as a Detroit Lions fan. He constantly wondered why they had no idea how to draft.

One of the most surprising of discoveries occurred only weeks before his death. Starting on Friday, March 18^th 2011, Bin Laden’s doubts of faith began when he simply wrote “Am I on the right path?” The next week, in between ramblings about not having enough snack food, he pondered whether Allah would “approve of the methods being carried out.” He then went on to say that perhaps he would “get more flies with honey than vinegar.”

It wasn’t until April that the biggest bombshell was recorded. On Sunday, April 10^th 2011, Bin Laden wrote that he “wanted to end this nonsense” and turn himself in. But, he wanted to convert to Catholicism first. He began engineering a network of pathways between his compound in Pakistan and Rome. This time, the directive was not for a terrorist attack, but a religious conversion.

He mentions grumblings heard from some of his supporters that he immediately silenced when he reminded them who he was. He anxiously awaited the pathway to be completed and hoped that it would be done by Easter. Unfortunately, he had to celebrate Easter in a small celebration with only 3 wives and 22 children. He did, however, have his first taste of Marshmallow Peeps and was thrilled with him. “They were excellent. But, I couldn’t eat them every day,” he remarked.

His last entry was on Sunday May 1^st 2001. He goes on for 7 pages on how he plans to be in Rome by the end of the week. And after his conversion, he would be more than willing to turn himself over to the world courts to answer for his crimes with a clean conscious. He talked about how excited he was to be able to get absolution from “The Pope, himself! What an admirable guy. I wish I had come to this realization years earlier.”

This was Bin Laden’s last entry. For, later that day, we shot the bastard in the eye.

Why Are There Troubles On The Southside?

Chicago – The Chicago White Sox are below .500 at 22 and 27, have a losing record at home and two teams in their division (The Tigers and Twins) have already had no-hitters. One was against The Sox. They also pay more salary to their players than most all other teams in the league. What has happened to this team, that held so much promise in the beginning of the season?

Don Cooper was asked recently to shed some light on what was going on with his team. “We can’t get wins. It isn’t like we are trying, we just can’t win. We usually end up losing.” He went on to list his losses and counted them on his fingers to verify that there were, in fact, more losses than wins. “I just don’t get it. I would rather more wins by this point in the season, than losses. Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way?”

When reached for a comment, Brent Morel, who plays third base for The Chicago White Sox, seemed confused. “I didn’t know the regular season had started. I was playing halfheartedly thinking these were all pre-season games. When did things kick-off?” He was pulled aside by a few members of the Sox's front office. After a short huddle with them, he then seemed to mentally put the pieces of the puzzle together and walked away ashamed. Some say they may have seen a tear.

A.J. Pierzynski has been splitting more time than usual with Ramon Castro as catcher. When the controversial Pierzynski was asked about why his team was so awful, he seemed to shrug it off. He causally said "We will get there when we get there. I'm not worried. There is still a lot of season left." He then abruptly changed the subject to himself. “I have stopped swinging for the fences. After years of being told I am not a power-hitter, I finally believed it when they showed me a montage of me hitting the ball directly to the center-fielder over 18,000 times. I thought that would help, but apparently it hasn’t. I think I should try hitting 'em out of the park again. Or, maybe I should dye my hair a different color...?” He then went on to talk about how proud he was of a promotional commercial he made for the team that involved a canon.

Paul Konerko has been one of the few team members that has remained somewhat close to consistent. He has already gotten 10 home runs in the short season, but that isn’t enough for a winning record for his team. “I’m sick of carrying this team. It’s an insult to be the only one with success and then to have everyone else -. It’s like they don’t even care. Maybe I should just do the bare minimum like A.J. It seems to work well for that freak.” He then proceeded to continue his batting practice at The Cell by angrily hitting a ball into the Chicago suburb of Lisle.
We then jumped into the broadcast booth to talk with Sox announcer, Ken “Hawk” Harrelson about the state of The Sox. As soon as he was asked for a comment, all the old man did was spout off his catch phrases that he hoped to make into t-shirts. “Can of corn! Duck snort. Souvenir left side! This team is OVA!” He then angered Steve Stone, once again, by calling him “Stone pony” before getting another beer, talking about a dead baseball player and going over the scores across the league. The sad thing was that the broadcast hadn't even started. Stone gave us a knowing look and then went back to doing some research.

Finally we caught up with Ozzie Guillén with hopes that he could shed some light on the current status of The Sox. “We playin’ da game an’ iz like – what da hell iz wit’ ‘em? I dunno. (unintelligible sounds) …gotta get dis off da grou. Day eatin’ us alive out der. Got ta work da offence an’ defense.” He then spat some sunflower seeds on the ground and began to walk away. But, before he got more than ten feet away, he spun around to shout back at us “At leas we ain’t da (expletive) Cubs!”

Next Season's House Plotlines Revealed

Los Angeles – Even before the airing of the season finale of the hit Fox doctor drama, House, the plot line for the next seasons’ episodes has been leaked by the show’s producers. The eyes of House fans have been opened to the winning formula that the drama plans on using next year.

Next season, each episode will start with a normal setting of unknown characters. One character will mysteriously collapse. Then the opening credits will role. The audience will then see the familiar team of doctors assemble and open a file containing the case-file of the patient who collapsed.

Theories will be tossed out by House’s assistants and will immediately get shot down by House. It is here that House may reveal a secret about one of his assistants that they would have hoped he wouldn’t have figured out. The fact that he was able to know this information is nearly super-human and perplexing. The way he is able to discover this information is rarely investigated. The team will then leave to run a series of tests.

All of the tests will come up negative, the audience will find out once the team assembles in their glass office once again. More theories are rejected by House so, he decides to send two of his assistants to illegally break into the patient’s home to search for environmental factors.

Two assistants will put on purple gloves and go through the personal items of the patient. They will either discover harmful chemicals, an odd diet or other abnormality that will prove to have nothing to do with the ailment that the patient is suffering from.

It is at this point that the patient will undergo an M.R.I. The assistants will discuss something personal while looking at the images. Usually it will be the secret that House revealed earlier. While they do this they will either discover something on the images or the patient will throw up or cease in the M.R.I. machine.

The next time we see House, he will be in front of a dry erase board with the patient symptoms on it. It will include the new symptom(s) that occurred during the M.R.I. A very risky and/or unlawful procedure will be introduced by House. His assistants will reluctantly go through with it while dodging House’s boss, Cuddy. She will find out during or after the procedure. She will yell at House and he will claim that it is for the benefit of the patient.

House will be all out of ideas and begin talking with his friend Wilson. It is something within this conversation that will give House the solution that he is looking for. He immediately provides the correct treatment and saves the patient.

He will then slightly reconcile with a more calm Cuddy. Meanwhile, the assistants deal with the new information and/or secret that House revealed in the beginning of the episode and prepare to move forward with the new information. They then get ready to go home for the day or out to a social event.

The show will then wrap up with the ending credits and show scenes from a strange case that House will deal with next week and mention that he will do something outrageous to save his patient.

The season finale of House airs tonight on Fox. Check your local listings.

Our reporters are working on other TV shows so they may be revealed as well. Expect enlightening updates on the following shows: Three's Company, NBC's Chuck and Two and a Half Men.

Derrick Rose Breaks Silence On Ankle!

Chicago – There is a great deal of concern surrounding Derrick Rose’s ankle throughout the play-offs. The current thoughts are that he has injured it beyond what he is letting on and has possibly aggravated the injury due to his continued play. However, Rose has recently held a press conference to dispel any conspiracy theories about his current situation.

In his press conference, Rose explained that he has been able to play through this injury due the use of modern medicine mixed with futuristic science. On the day that he injured his ankle, he had just watched Robo-Cop for the third time and this was only days after watching Short Circuit.

Using the information that he absorbed from these two blockbuster films, Rose went to work in his home science lab to create a mechanical ankle that would carry him to his first ever NBA title. “I can’t let my teammates, the Bulls organization and the city of Chicago down. If there’s a will, there’s a way and I will do what it takes to continue performing at my top potential.”

It was this determination that fueled Rose to create a fully functioning mechanical ankle that he installed into his foot himself. Through a wise use of hydraulics and powered by a battery that is fueled with the piezoelectric properties of walking, jumping and running that Rose plans to do on the court anyway, his ankle is back to normal. Some feel that he even has improved.

When asked if the surgery he performed on himself, in his home surgical theater, proved to be difficult, Rose claimed that it was easier than he thought. He had just finished watching the box-set of ER season 2. “I have always picked up on things rather quickly. It was rather simple, actually. I have several patents being reviewed to be able to market this and offer it to many others.” Rumor has it that Rose is also in talks with Nike to be able to put their famous swoosh on the prosthetic ankles. He declined to discuss this stating that many things were in motion.

As the press conference was winding down, one reporter asked Rose if he had ever seen The Six Million Dollar Man. He laughed and responded “Sorry, I haven’t even heard of that one. It must be before my time!”

The Bulls are scheduled to defeat the Heat in game three tonight at 7:30 CST.