Ice Charged In Slip And Fall

Jackson, MI - On Tuesday, February 17th, Francis Murray had just finished watching the new RoboCop movie at the Carmike Plaza Cinemas 8 when his day took an unexpected turn.  On the
pavement between the theater doors and his parking spot lingered an unsuspecting foe.  For, it was on this evening that Murray fell victim to a slip and fall incident that caused him to break the pinky finger in his left hand.  The culprit - Ice.
Earlier that week, Ice had allegedly accumulated with several of it's other molecular equals to form a dangerous mob right outside of the theater.  This group seemed to have no other purpose than to trip up unsuspecting movie goers, causing the movie goer's joy from seeing a recent cinematic achievement to quickly vaporize. 

While many were ready to shake off this incident and become a silent victim, Murray did not.  Instead, he immediately filed charges against his assailant.  It was shortly after that Ice was taken in for questioning by the Jackson Police Department.
In an exclusive interview with Ice, TJONJ was able to dive deeper into that side of the story.  Ice claims that he was just outside minding his own business when Murray attacked him.  "I have every right to be there," Ice said.  "I was just talking with my other friends when he (Murray) tried to trample me.  I tried to practice self restraint, but that soon turned to self defense."  Ice felt that he had no other course of action but to toss Murray off of him to prevent other potential damage to himself.  "No one wants to talk about the stress fractures I got from his size 10's?  I thought this was America!"
At this point, Ice is being held in a special holding unit until this matter can go to trial.  Many have asked Murray why he chose to file charges against Ice instead of Carmike Plaza Cinemas 8.  Murray feels that they did all they could to get Ice to disperse, including salting, but Ice refused to leave the property.  That is why he went straight for Ice. 
Ice is up for several other similar offences in multiple states.  Murray has taken on a martyr role in
permitting those who would have silently suffered to now have the courage to come out.  "If (together) we can finally put this menace to rest, I feel that this entire hassle will be worth it." 
Murray is suing for medical costs and emotional stress.  Currently jury selection is underway.  So far, water, water vapor, steam, oxygen, hydrogen have been selected to represent Ice's peers. 

American Pride Back To "Dormant"

Sutton, MS - Sunday night marked the conclusion of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.  It was on this day that most Americans felt a sense of relief.  "I am all about, America."  Said Thomas Dover of Lettsworth, Louisiana.  "But, it was hard to maintain that American pride for so long about sports that don't matter."  While making that comment, Dover made air quotes while saying the word "sports."
At first, Americans were concerned with the nightly McDonald's medal count and enjoyed seeing where America stood amongst the other nations.  However, their interest dropped with each passing night.  As the events, of which several were similar in nature, continued, Americans seemed to care less and less about the success or failures of their Olympians. 
The Center for American Pride (CAP) in Sutton Massachusetts followed the swell of pride prior to the Olympics.  Gary Gunson, the chair of CAP, noted that the multiple commercials for the Olympic Games made Americans to think of their many victories in the Olympic arena.  This caused a great

 

feeling of American pride.  "When the Olympic games started, American pride was noticeably increased."  Said, Gunson.  "However, with each passing day, this lessened.  We attribute this steady decline to several factors including the only real sport being played being Hockey, the

lackluster medal count of America and Bob Costas' red eyes."
"Today, we see levels of American pride returning to natural levels.  Near the end of the games and for the past few days American pride was lower than where it normally is.  It is a showing that American pride is now dormant and will remain so until the next Olympic games, natural disaster or terrorist attack."
Kathie Costberg of Marshfield, Wisconsin was an avid Ice Dancer fan.  "Look at the grace and poise they have while they skate!"  She said just 11 days ago.  Today she was overheard talking about the upcoming Brewers season and the hopes she had for them.  Costberg, who asked not to be identified, said "It (ice dancing) was fun, but it's not a sport."  She then admitted that she will not be keeping up with the American team for the next four years, but will probably check them out at the next Winter Olympics. 
A recent independent poll, done by a polling company, confirms the suspected dip in American pride.  It appears that with this new found dormancy in American pride, Americans have gone back to complaining about the weather, the government and the dish they were just served.  They have turned their focus to Justin Bieber's law issues, the compelling characters and plotline of "True Detective" and trying to recall the body of work of Harold Ramis to sound more relevant in social situations.