Area Man Has Thoughts About Fellow Commuters

Downers Grove, Illinois – Nearly every weekday, a young man by the name of James (Last name withheld at his request.) takes the local commuter train, Metra (Which is known primarily as a commuter rail train, but also is known for the company’s false claims at flight) from the suburbs to Chicago and back home again. It is on this trip that he is consumed by his own thoughts. Even while reading a book or news paper, updating his Facebook status on his phone or listening to his Microsoft Zune, James is a victim to his thoughts.

The commute into and out of the city remains the same. The only difference is the amount of time that James spends on the train due to the number of stops that it makes. The trip could be as little as 20 minutes, if it is direct to downtown Downers Grove, or it could be greater if they have to make stops in towns such as Cicero, Western Springs or Berwyn. (No one ever gets off at Western Avenue. Yet, the train stops there.)

In an exclusive with TJONJ, James described what his experience was like on his way home yesterday. As he watched the neighborhoods grow in property value, James was a victim to his thoughts the entire time.

When James first found his seat, the train car that he was in wasn’t completely full, but it was full enough that James was able to make snap judgments of each of the passengers that shared the ride with him. His mind would say things that James would never say in real life. At times, James even felt remorse for his mind’s thoughts despite the fact that they caused no harm to their intended target.

As the train sat in Union Station, the judgments began flooding his mind. First they started off rather pedestrian. It was comments on the clothing choices of the passengers and their over-all lack of fashion taste. “What is this, 1986?!” he protested when a woman with out-dated clothing passed him. James then began developing back-stories for the poorly dressed passengers that started with the woman in the out-dated pants suit. “Oh, look at me. I am somebody important. I work at a big firm in the city and I can fire anyone I want just for looking at me the wrong way. I am woman, hear me ROAR!”

The train hadn’t even started moving and already James dislikes the group of strangers that he hasn’t met. When a rather large man walked past James holding a white paper bag, James thought “What’s in the bag, fatty? CHOLESTEROL?!” James immediately felt bad about his statement and tried to lose himself in his music. But, the “parade of jerks,” as he put it, kept his attention on them and away from his Modest Mouse and Dire Straits.

When the train left the station, he noticed that the large man had sat in the seat with the emergency window. “Fatty is going to get stuck in that window and cause all of us to perish if there was a fire.” James figured. This caused James to identify where the other emergency exits were located in case he needed to leave the train quickly. The man then began consuming a cheeseburger, which further fueled James' thoughts.

Two girls in their teens also shared the car and began talking about their experiences in the city. They began reliving their time at Navy Pier only hours before. They seemed to really enjoy the shops that it provided. “Stupid girls. Navy Pier sucks. It is nothing but a tourist trap.” James thought. He then proceeded to list reasons for his distaste of Navy Pier and anyone who enjoyed it.

While the automated announcements called out the stops that the train would be making, James noticed a professional-looking woman who had just begun a cell phone conversation. She spoke loud enough for most everyone in the train car to hear her side of the conversation. James filled in the other half of the conversation with a string of degrading expletives that we are not able to print. Although it was an impressive bit of vulgar improv that James was able to create on the spot. While they fit her conversation well, it is very unlikely that the person she was having a conversation with was saying what James envisioned.

For the remainder of the Metra ride (Which, at no point, took flight.) James continued belittling his fellow passengers. None were aware of his sharp observations or his growing hatred for them all. James left the train car at his destination without ever saying a word and with a great deal of relief. For, he was now free from the jerks that he commuted with, until tomorrow.

Lebron James Demands A Recount

Miami, Florida – The winners of the most recent NBA Finals are the Dallas Mavericks. This is despite having Lebron James on the other team, the Miami Heat. Many were perplexed when this outcome occurred. How did a team with a weird-looking German white guy beat three talented black guys? The Miami Heat had Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and that other guy. Yet, somehow they lost the series.

They came so close to victory, yet failed to accomplish their main goal – winning an NBA title. “I just can’t believe it is true!” said James, yesterday. Even after days to let the information sink in, James can not believe that he is not going home with a championship ring. “This is the exact opposite of what I planned on doing in the beginning of the season!” He went on to tell us that he was happy that he made it as far as the finals, but was still left empty by not being able to host the post-modern-looking trophy with his teammates.

Having let some time pass on the situation, James felt he was more level-headed than when he first learned the news that he would not be winning the NBA Finals. He has now teamed up with the best lawyers that he could find on TV commercials during Maury in the Miami area to fight the results of the NBA Finals in court. He claims that he performed better than what was shown on television and he wants his efforts to be recorded appropriately.

This morning, James' legal team sent out subpoenas to the NBA offices to obtain the tapes of each game that he played in during the finals. James claims that he wants a recount of all the points to prove that he was, in fact, the rightful winner of the NBA Finals. "I remember my fourth quarter performances being better than what was reported. Someone in the media has it out for me." James then went on to discuss how a recount of all the points scored would finally bring him justice. He remembered a Florida recount before and remembered there was an outcome. However, he wasn't sure if he was in favor of it or not, but irregardless demands it for the NBA Finals. Lebron James has also subpoenaed Marv Albert as a witness to his greatness. No word on whether he has also subpoenaed Albert’s hair piece, who was also present during the NBA Finals.
“Something’s going on here, and I am bound and determined to get to the bottom of it!” said James in a press conference earlier this morning. James vowed to give up weight training and practice in the off season to further his case and obtain a true recount of the points scored.

James’ teammates are mixed in their opinions on the matter. Wade was quoted as saying “We lost to a better team. It is now time to put that behind us and focus on the next season.” However, the other guy said “We were wronged and I am glad that my teammate and friend, Lebron James, is pursuing this. I also wouldn’t mind if he subpoenaed me for his case. Or even if he just wanted to call to talk about the case or whatever happens to be on his mind. I’m going to miss him in these next few months... CALL ME!”

While James remains determined to find the real killer of his season, we will keep you updated on new developments in this case and will alert you if he makes any contact with the other guy in the Miami Heat three-some.

Fall-Back Solution Reached In NFL Talks

New York – Progress has been made in the NFL talks this week. Both sides have come to a temporary compromise that is in the best interest of each side. While there is no talks on when the first game will actually be played, there has been a promise that America will see football this season.

On Monday afternoon, NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, announced that a full season of play will be available to the average football fan. “While a full settlement between all sides has yet to be reached, I can assure my fellow NFL fans that you will get to see if your team wins or looses each Sunday!”

Goodell went on to discuss how this would be possible. “While we are hopeful that we will come to an agreement before the start of the 2011 season, this back-up plan will fit in nicely.” He finally came to his solution that the media eagerly hungered for, “Each year, Electronic Arts releases another Madden football game. This year, should we not reach a successful settlement between all sides, each game will be determined by a computer simulation of said game. This will be in place at the start of the season and will remain the solution until an agreement has been made or the game has determined the Super Bowl victor.”

Goodell explained that the game and system would be kept in his office and he would run simulations of each projected game and record the outcome. Players would be awarded stats based on what the Madden football game would give them. They would also be encouraged to deal with the fake injuries that the game would randomly assign. No word on whether or not said injuries would be brought up on players to encourage the legitimacy of the simulations. For example, if Maurice Jones-Drew gets a broken arm in the simulation, there is no word on whether or not he would have his arm broken in real life by Goodell’s men. And if Plexico Burris shoots himself again, would his character in the game also have to go to prison for two seasons?

Goodell admitted that there were a lot of kinks to work out, but he felt that they would all be settled by the time pre-season began in August. The owners and players began lobbying that they should get some degree of control over the outcome of the games. However, Goodell said he wanted as little human interaction as possible. He said that having the computer simulate the games, it would make the outcome as fair as he could possibly make it as well as provide as little enjoyment for the average NFL fan as he could.

The simulations would not be televised, but the results would be released to sports news outlets such as ESPN. The stats and scores can be analyzed by their respective pundits. It has been rumored that, once a week on Monday nights, that Goodell will permit Hank Williams Jr. to run the simulation while singing a very long song with Faith Hill. This may or may not be broadcast on The NFL Network.

Manager Takes Out Frustration On Employees

Albuquerque – At a steakhouse known as The Texas Land & Cattle Steak House, life-long local Andy Taylor has been the assistant manager for the past 17 months. In that time, he has used his new status to really push his weight around. Servers have often commented on his poor attitude and his inability to have a pleasant conversation. He has even been rather short with guests who offer a legitimate complaint.

“One lady told him that her steak was too overcooked.” recalled 2-year server, Sarah. “The steak looked like charcoal. He asked her ‘How did you want it cooked?’ When she replied ‘Medium,’ he just rolled his eyes, grabbed the plate and walked sternly to the back.”

Other servers mirrored her comments saying that he constantly would belittle them. He would give vague direction and then complain when they asked a follow up question or didn’t understand what Taylor was asking for. “He even came down on me on my second day!” said James. “I really don’t know what that guy’s deal is.”

Taylor refused to comment on his poor attitude on life. But, further investigation revealed a sad excuse for a man. His social life consisted of “Clubbing” at least four nights a week. Many of these nights included propositioning many women and receiving an equal amount of rejection.

It was also discovered that he had an incredibly lousy high school career. His nickname was sarcastically “Lord” so that one could mimic the popular store “Lord and Taylor” by saying “Lord Andy Taylor” rather quickly. He was also ridiculed for his weight and poor hygiene.

The smelly fat-so also hadn’t amounted to much in his 42 years on the planet. He had no family, very few friends and his goldfish kept on dying. (When hearing of this, many servers suggested that they committed suicide to get away from fatty.)

Little else is known about Lord. But, new speculation is that he either lives in a studio apartment or his parent’s home above the garage. Either way, tubby is just sad. It may be this pathetic lifestyle that has encouraged him to be such a jerkface. Many servers agree that he may be taking out two decades worth of frustration and constant failure on the fact that they didn’t get the salads out to the tables in under two minutes. Or maybe he is just a jerk. Either way, he is large.

Area Man Responsible For Weekend Showers

Crete – An unidentified area man is to blame for the showers and in climate weather that the Chicagoland area experienced last weekend. What was scheduled to be a breathtakingly beautiful Memorial Day weekend was spoiled due to the irresponsible nature of a Wheaton resident.

“I shoulda known better!” he proclaimed as he explained his misdeeds with a hint of whimsy. “As soon as I wash my car, that’s when the Heavens open up.” It appears that there is a direct correlation between the nature of this man’s automobile’s cleanliness and the amount of precipitation that the particular region the car is in receives. What boggled local meteorologists for days now, has finally been solved. This jerk washed his car after knowing the implications of his actions.

Local police are searching the town’s law books to see what they are able to charge the area man on, seeing as how he was directly responsible for ruining several picnics, a golf outing and a make-out session in Sunnydale Park in Woodridge. “All we are able to possibly get him on is ‘creating a public disturbance.’ But, if we get one gardener on that jury that appreciated the rain, our case won’t hold any water.”

“It never fails,” the area man told our reporter. “As soon as I get the wash bucket and hose ready to go or even if I go to the Delta Sonic, the clouds roll in!” Our reporter, who had planned on going to an outdoor wedding this past Saturday, had to conclude the interview due to the conflict of interest.

After hearing of this fascinating, yet jerky, phenomenon, scientists from around the globe have been making the trek to Crete to see this man’s 2002 Chevy Malibu. They plan on further investigating this situation to see if the automobile may be transported to other areas of the world, then sent through a local Shell car wash and possibly prevent famine in drought-stricken areas. While their research is still in its infancy stages, they do remain hopeful. One local scientist said “Maybe, just maybe some good can come from this. After we do some additional testing in other regions, we could offer a great solution to many of the greater problems for the world’s less fortunate. Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment to make in Woodridge.”

Man Learns That "Colbert Report" Is Satirical

Beacher City, Illinois – Local man, Bob, is a proud republican and talks often about how there are very few news outlets that provide information without a liberal bias. He will talk for hours about the left-leaning views of MSNBC, CNN and many other major news networks. He even dislikes the fact that many of the nation’s youth were getting their news from Democrat, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. This is why, in 2005, Bob was thrilled that Comedy Central offered another view with their new show The Colbert Report.

“Finally,” he said. “There is a show that is entertaining and doesn’t have all of that liberal hippie crap in it.” He encouraged all that he knew on his MySpace account to check out the new show that followed The Daily Show. “Steven hits the nail on the head with an informative and humorous show that gives the nation its facts.”

It wasn’t until last Tuesday that Bob realized that the show was done tongue-in-cheek. He was heartbroken saying “All these years it has been satire? How could this be?” as he took down his home-made Threat Down Board that he assembled on the back of his kitchen pantry door. He had relied upon Colbert to provide him with his news and entertainment 4 days a week.

“I feel betrayed.” he said while alerting those in his Facebook group he dedicated to the show. “The rug has been pulled out from under us and the wool placed over our eyes once again.”

Friends would ask Bob, during his 6-year allegiance to the show, if he knew that it wasn’t really a “Republican show.” He would dismiss their claims and remained true to The Colbert Nation. When mentioning that Jon Stewart was a head writer for the program, he would often retort that “Jon Stewart must be a common Jewish name. Surely there are more than one Jon Stewarts in the world!”

Doubt did creep into Bob’s mind when the rally on the Washington mall was held last October. To see Colbert work so closely with Stewart to put this on was off-putting for Bob. But, he rationalized the event by saying “It is their way of showing that the two parties can work together for the common good. With them both on the same network, it was probably rather easy for the two shows to unite.”

Now Bob is wrestling with whether or not he will continue watching the show. “It has become habitual. Something that I look forward to four nights a week, unless they are in reruns again. It does have its merits. There are a lot of decent authors that are interviewed… I just don’t know. I should give it up the same way I gave up on my favorite actress, Whoopi Goldberg, when she opened her big mouth on The View.”