After Legalizing Gay Marriage, The Supreme Court Keeps Going

Washington, DC – Following the landmark 5-4 ruling from the Supreme Court in favor of gay marriage, the Supreme Court decided to continue making decisions while they were on this hot streak. Released just a moments ago, the Supreme Court has just released another 6-3 decision that will forever change the economic landscape of America.

For the first time ever, the Supreme Court has decided to offer a new economic class for Americans to identify with. Instead of suffering to survive in the Lower Class or constantly having to decide what caviar goes better with a 1929 Merlot in the Upper Class, there will be an economic identifier in the middle termed the “In Between Class.”

This will be reserved for who will reside in the suburbs, but be drowning in college and credit card

debt and taxed with a mortgage that leaves very little for retirement. The “In Between Class,” which will be in the middle of the Upper and Lower Classes, will also provide a strong base of spending persons who will, in turn, help spur the economy. The Upper Class will be saving their money in mutual funds as well as investing in IRA's while the Lower Class will be hoping to find enough money to eat that day. Meanwhile the “In Between Class” will be in Target buying fruit-infusing water pitchers.

Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, said “It will not be happening in MY America.” He vowed to repeal the decision once he is elected. The American voters did not take notice.

The Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Gay Marriage And Vows To Solve All Of America's Problems Before Dinner

Washington, DC – In a landmark 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage. No state will be able to prevent marriage for any gay couple despite their previous bans on it. This would mean that states that previously did not recognize the unions from other states who permitted them would have no legal recourse and would be forced to uphold the legal rights associated with the union. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote "No union is more profound than marriage," which sums up the decision nicely.

While this ruling came as a disappointment to the bigoted, the advanced American citizen rejoiced with the results. The crowd gathered outside cheered greatly when the announcement came down. They then began to petition the Supreme Court to reconvene to make some other good decisions while they were on a roll.

Justice Kennedy waved to the crowd and borrowed a bull horn and responded to them saying “Oh, we aren't done yet! We solved inequality for the homosexual community now to move on to race relations!” The crowd cheered at his announcement. For, they had solved every problem plaguing a homosexual American with their decision. One can only imagine what they can do for race relations. “By 3 PM we plan to have every racist flag held accountable!” said Kennedy. “For that seems to be

the true root of our nation's racial suffering. At least, according to the extended CNN coverage of flags and their evil pasts.” Kennedy went on to say that they will free up special courts to place each flag on trial, but is confident that most will be sentenced to death (burning and trampling.)

The crowd grew into a frenzy over the potential Supreme Court decision. Singing and cheering could be heard blocks away. Those on the other side of these decisions angerly spat out their tobacco and said something ridiculous.

Black Friday Starts Earlier For One Clothing Store This Year

Menomonee Falls, WI – The term “Door Buster” is very prevalent these days. Stores are opening earlier and earlier each year in hopes to gain a few extra shoppers over their competitors. It is within this fourth quarter that most businesses see majority of their year's income and the fight for the attention of consumers really ramps up.

This is why many stores have begun opening up for “Black Friday” as early as midnight or even in the later hours of Thanksgiving. One such store hopes to get a jump on other retail outlets by opening it's doors not earlier on Thanksgiving, but instead at 9 pm CST this evening. Shoppers at Kohl's can take advantage of Black Friday prices as early as this evening. The clothing retailer plans on remaining open until the end of the business day on Sunday.

A few weeks ago, Kohl's employees were told of the plan to stay open around the clock for four days and were instructed to enjoy time with their families earlier in the week to provide open availability for Kohl's throughout this pivotal weekend.  Some employees have provided communal cots, pillows, blankets and even toiletries for their co-workers in the employee break area.  Many were explaining to others how to effectively bathe in a public restroom within their 15 minute coffee break.  Throughout this time, Kohl's employees have petitioned friends and family to provide an provisions such as canned goods for their stay.  Some locations are without a microwave, so if you are planning on donating, it is recommended that you contact an employee about their potential food heating abilities before you donate.  Above all, majority of Kohl's employees are just asking for "thoughts and prayers through this trying time." 

When asked, Kohl's customers seemed mixed. While Karen Probst felt that it provided “more flexibility” in scheduling when she could go shopping, Samuel Segrum said that he would probably wait until he has had an "opportunity to enjoy some quality time with (his) family" to enjoy the great savings at Kohl's.  Kohl's customers do all agree that they will more than likely take advantage of Kohl's Black Friday prices due to the unlikely occurrence of Kohl's having any type of discount or sale at their locations throughout the rest of the year.

We asked to speak with Kohl's CEO Kevin Mansell about his decision to stay open for more than 4 days straight. “We want to offer a fun shopping experience for our shoppers. They can stop by our website to see when certain items will be on sale for them. And then they can take advantage of that particular sale. For example, bath towels will be on sale tonight at 3 am for one hour only!” Mansell's excitement faded when asked about his decision to not permit his employees to enjoy Thanksgiving with their family in hopes that these additional hours of operation will make the Kohl's shareholders (KSS) richer. “My thoughts on their (my employee's) Thanksgiving? (Expletive) 'em.”

A Kansas Group Wants To Put God Back In Sneezing

Tonganoxie, Kansas – We have all heard about “The War on Christmas” from respected pundits like Bill O'Reily and Steven Colbert. Their main goal is to put God back in Christmas. One group in Kansas is taking that a step further and are making moves to put God back in year round in their campaign to put God back in “God bless you.”

Kathy Richardson of Tonganoxie has headed up the campaign that now has over two dozen followers. “When I sneeze, I want God to bless me. Not some random stranger.” The removal of God from this blessing has occurred with a greater frequency in the past few years. “You (random stranger) can't bless me as much as God can. Let's change this back.”

The saying “God bless you” was first used around 77 AD and gained greater popularity in the days of

the plague. During these times, one of the first signs of the illness was sneezing. The Pope at the time, Pope Gregory I, encouraged this small prayer for the sneezer with hopes of preventing them from dying of the plague.

Kathy Richardson wants those simpler times to return. “I don't want the plague to return, just the part of God being put back in the blessing.” Her team has started raising awareness by starting their own Facebook page due to the assistance of Richardson's son, Kevin.  (Kevin has stated his indifference to his mother's cause saying "Whatever.  I did it to help my mom.")  The page has 8 followers, mainly because many of those supporting the cause do not partake in social media. They have also given talks at their church, Victory Baptist. They have even put up posters in the local grocery store, B & J Country Mart. The owner of the store could not be reached for comment to gauge his support (or lack of it) in Richardson's cause, but an employee stated that the community cork board is for members of the community and removing anything from it, including lost cat notices, band sign ups and car sales would be a violation of free speech rights.

While their campaign is new, it has attracted an unlikely celebrity backer in Dane Cook who even brought up the issue in one of his stand-up routines before launching into a long personal story that happened to a lesser-known comedian.  (Please see link at the bottom of this article.) 

The newly divorced mother of three said that her divorce was a blessing, for it has allowed her more free time to focus on her cause, which she holds close to her heart.  Richardson has lofty goals of going before the Kansas Supreme Court to petition for a state amendment to their constitution that would require citizens keep God in their sneeze blessings.  (She made moves to get this referendum put on the most recent mid-term elections, but was unable to get the signatures necessary in time for the ballot printing. 

Richardson doesn't plan on stopping with just local/state government. “I want to take this to the highest courts in the land and then over seas to non-Christian countries.”  She has ordered magnetic signs for her two cars and the cars of those close to the cause.  T-Shirts, signs, magnets and other items can be purchased to help with their mission.  While no online presence is available at the time, you can send a letter with a check in it to Richardson.  These purchases will help fund her international trips to countries like Canada, where she hopes to start her global campaign in 2018.  "It is time that I forget about and move on from Russell (Her former husband) and start focusing on what God has called me to do."  At the time of this posting, God has declined to comment.

 

"Comic" Dane Cook's Sneezing Group Support (NSFW) 

Fire Fighters Band Together To Fight More Than A Fire

McNary, Arizona - After many years of silence, a small group of firefighters have come forth to combat a quiet stereotype that we have all come to accept as the norm. One particular house, lead under the leadership of Chief Edward Stewart, wants to put an end to the unfair sexualization of those in the fire fighting profession. For years, pin-ups and calendars have demeaned the profession of fire fighting and rescue.  It has almost given women the permission to see these men as nothing more than objects.  From what we could gather, most firefighters are sick of this image and wish to do away with it.  “It is about time this all stopped,” Stewart said. “It will just continue to get worse, if we don't do something now.”

These men, who have fought for years through many trials and tribulations to even become a member of the squad, just want the respect that they deserve. “Yeah, the respect thing was good after 9/11, but it has fallen away as of late. And now, we are being seen as pieces of meat again.” said Tony Freedmont. He went on to say that he does not mean to imply that he wants another 9/11, but instead to get the respect that he and his co-workers deserve.

During TJONJ's short 12 minute interview with these gentlemen, two women catcalled the firehouse as they walked by. One even made a lewd comment about a fire hose. While this happened, some of the firefighters hung their heads in shame while still others permitted the anger and frustration to be seen on their faces.

Stewart has, in recent weeks, started a 501(c)3 charity to help promote awareness of this continuing

problem. Firefighter Organization Curbing Ugly Stereotypes (FOCUS) hopes to shine a light on this growing problem.  His goal is that no firefighter is ever seen as attractive again.  “We are sons, fathers, brothers and even uncles, sometimes. Enough with the degradation.” said Stewart. “We just want to be seen as awesome guys who do a difficult job and should be respected almost at the level of military personnel.  You know, call us 'Heroes' again.  Oh, and on a side note, enough of the cat in the tree jokes. They are old and tired.”

New Law In Illinois To Effect The Food Service Industry

Springfield - The people of the state of Illinois passed several referendums in the most recent mid-term elections. While the minimum wage decision will effect them, the one that servers are most appreciative of is the catch up vs. order referendum. Patrons of restaurants, diners and the like will now be forced to place their order before catching up with their friends.

“What a relief!” said one server, who didn't wish to be identified. “Finally we can put in the order and the (guests) can catch up with one another while their order is being prepared!” The average appetizer takes about 8-10 minutes to prepare and dinner could be as much as 20-30 minutes of wait time. This should give patrons ample time to find out what is going on in the life of their friend and their friend's family and friends. Server Laurie went on to say that this will eventually cut down on the wait time for other patrons who wish to dine at her establishment.

“By cutting down on the wait time, we can offer that table to (guests) quicker and serve more people.” said James, a restaurant manager. “This will increase profits and the guest experience. I mean, who wants to wait an extra 20 minutes while (guests) share pictures of their grand kids?” It all seems to boil down to a lack of empathy from those with a booth to the booth-less individuals awaiting a meal. “I want to tell them,” James continued, “You waited 40 minutes for your table and now people are waiting longer, more than an hour, for yours. Please stop swiping through pictures of your cruise of Alaska and put in an order of Spinach Dip!”

The initiative stemmed from a little known class action lawsuit known as “Hosts v The We Haven't Even Looked Yet.” In order to make this a statewide option for all dining enthusiasts, the referendum was brought to the public.

Starting January 1^st, patrons will be forced to place their order in a timely manner and issued a warning to peruse the menu provided if it is not done at their earliest convenience. Should patrons wish to “catch up,” they will be encouraged to do so at the very least after placing an appetizer order. Drinks must be ordered within 3 minutes of gaining access to a table and/or seating area.

Those who did not support the bill sited that sometimes they get wrapped up in their conversations and are just having fun finding out what has recently happened to their friend or family member. In response to these protests, supporters of the bill told them to “get a (expletive) Facebook account.”

While this was a win for the food service industry, more legislation may be on the way dependent upon the outcome of a case against those who stay too long after the bill has been delivered. All eyes are on “We Didn't Notice The Lights Came Up And The Music Was Cut v I Am Getting Dangerously Close To Overtime And Will Now Have To Give Up A Whole Shift While You Sip Cold Coffee”

Rodger Goodell Still Hasn't Seen The Ray Rice Video

In a recent interview with the current commissioner of the NFL, Rodger Goodell, he claims he has yet to see the Ray Rice video that has removed the Baltimore running back from the league for life.  "I just don't have the time," Goodell says.  He went on to say that he has never seen any film or footage of any NFL player at any time off the field or on the field.  "I am just too busy promoting our 'Play 60' initiative with the young fans of the NFL."  Goodell showed a full schedule book of attending school assemblies and randomly walking through public parks and play grounds.  It is at these venues that he tells kids about the importance of playing for 60 minutes a day.  "It is my true passion."
When offered to see the short, yet disgustingly violent, video from our TJONJ reporter, Goodell closed his eyes, placed his fingers in his ears and started shouting "NO, NO, NO.  I AM TOO BUSY!"  He then removed his mic and left the room.  His publicist explained his actions by saying he had double booked the interview with an opportunity to visit a pick-up basketball game across town.
In a related story, Adrien Peterson released a statement that somewhat goes against several previous
statements.  The Minnesota running back says that he has never hit a child, he does not even have a child of his own nor has he ever been in the presence of anyone under the age of 10 at any time in his life.  Peterson offered the possible solution of "I'm guess that boy did that stuff to his self?"

Ice Charged In Slip And Fall

Jackson, MI - On Tuesday, February 17th, Francis Murray had just finished watching the new RoboCop movie at the Carmike Plaza Cinemas 8 when his day took an unexpected turn.  On the
pavement between the theater doors and his parking spot lingered an unsuspecting foe.  For, it was on this evening that Murray fell victim to a slip and fall incident that caused him to break the pinky finger in his left hand.  The culprit - Ice.
Earlier that week, Ice had allegedly accumulated with several of it's other molecular equals to form a dangerous mob right outside of the theater.  This group seemed to have no other purpose than to trip up unsuspecting movie goers, causing the movie goer's joy from seeing a recent cinematic achievement to quickly vaporize. 

While many were ready to shake off this incident and become a silent victim, Murray did not.  Instead, he immediately filed charges against his assailant.  It was shortly after that Ice was taken in for questioning by the Jackson Police Department.
In an exclusive interview with Ice, TJONJ was able to dive deeper into that side of the story.  Ice claims that he was just outside minding his own business when Murray attacked him.  "I have every right to be there," Ice said.  "I was just talking with my other friends when he (Murray) tried to trample me.  I tried to practice self restraint, but that soon turned to self defense."  Ice felt that he had no other course of action but to toss Murray off of him to prevent other potential damage to himself.  "No one wants to talk about the stress fractures I got from his size 10's?  I thought this was America!"
At this point, Ice is being held in a special holding unit until this matter can go to trial.  Many have asked Murray why he chose to file charges against Ice instead of Carmike Plaza Cinemas 8.  Murray feels that they did all they could to get Ice to disperse, including salting, but Ice refused to leave the property.  That is why he went straight for Ice. 
Ice is up for several other similar offences in multiple states.  Murray has taken on a martyr role in
permitting those who would have silently suffered to now have the courage to come out.  "If (together) we can finally put this menace to rest, I feel that this entire hassle will be worth it." 
Murray is suing for medical costs and emotional stress.  Currently jury selection is underway.  So far, water, water vapor, steam, oxygen, hydrogen have been selected to represent Ice's peers. 

American Pride Back To "Dormant"

Sutton, MS - Sunday night marked the conclusion of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.  It was on this day that most Americans felt a sense of relief.  "I am all about, America."  Said Thomas Dover of Lettsworth, Louisiana.  "But, it was hard to maintain that American pride for so long about sports that don't matter."  While making that comment, Dover made air quotes while saying the word "sports."
At first, Americans were concerned with the nightly McDonald's medal count and enjoyed seeing where America stood amongst the other nations.  However, their interest dropped with each passing night.  As the events, of which several were similar in nature, continued, Americans seemed to care less and less about the success or failures of their Olympians. 
The Center for American Pride (CAP) in Sutton Massachusetts followed the swell of pride prior to the Olympics.  Gary Gunson, the chair of CAP, noted that the multiple commercials for the Olympic Games made Americans to think of their many victories in the Olympic arena.  This caused a great

 

feeling of American pride.  "When the Olympic games started, American pride was noticeably increased."  Said, Gunson.  "However, with each passing day, this lessened.  We attribute this steady decline to several factors including the only real sport being played being Hockey, the

lackluster medal count of America and Bob Costas' red eyes."
"Today, we see levels of American pride returning to natural levels.  Near the end of the games and for the past few days American pride was lower than where it normally is.  It is a showing that American pride is now dormant and will remain so until the next Olympic games, natural disaster or terrorist attack."
Kathie Costberg of Marshfield, Wisconsin was an avid Ice Dancer fan.  "Look at the grace and poise they have while they skate!"  She said just 11 days ago.  Today she was overheard talking about the upcoming Brewers season and the hopes she had for them.  Costberg, who asked not to be identified, said "It (ice dancing) was fun, but it's not a sport."  She then admitted that she will not be keeping up with the American team for the next four years, but will probably check them out at the next Winter Olympics. 
A recent independent poll, done by a polling company, confirms the suspected dip in American pride.  It appears that with this new found dormancy in American pride, Americans have gone back to complaining about the weather, the government and the dish they were just served.  They have turned their focus to Justin Bieber's law issues, the compelling characters and plotline of "True Detective" and trying to recall the body of work of Harold Ramis to sound more relevant in social situations.

Man Waits For Elevator

Jasper, IN - Kevin Rodriquez rents an apartment on the 7th floor of the Badendorff Apartments.  The
view is nice, but it comes at a price.  One that is a constant gamble for Rodriquez. 
On Tuesday morning, Rodriquez estimated that he was roughly 8 minutes late for work as he approached the elevators in the center of his floor.  "For some reason my cell phone's alarm didn't go off this morning."  Said Rodriquez of the lost eight minutes of time.  Luckily for him, he has a set routine and woke due to his internal clock and his Easterly facing windows.
Rodriquez pressed the down button and waited.  He listened to the three brown elevator doors to see which one would be ascending to pick him up for his decent.  He heard nothing from the right one and middle one.  The far left one was extremely finicky and he remembers hearing it opening and closing it's door on a different level.
Rodriquez attempted to use a different technique that seemed to work in the past.  He rapidly pushed the down button on the elevators' panel to indicate to the elevators that he was, in deed, in a hurry.  He started off by pressing it as rapidly as a child would while playing Nintendo in 1988 without a Nintendo Advantage that had the "Turbo" button.  (We won't speak of the NES MAX.)  When this didn't seem to have any effect on the motionless elevators, Rodriquez initiated his next technique.
"It was my next move in a slowly fleeting group of options."  Rodriquez admitted to us, later.  He then depressed the "down" button for 5-10 seconds at a time.  He hoped this would really

communicate to the elevators that he meant business.  He even leaned his body weight into the button to add the force and weight of the situation to communicate to the elevators his frustration with them.  It was while he was forcing the button into an unnatural state of being depressed that he heard the loud, heavy door of his neighbor being closed.  It was the large lady with the facial hair she obviously chose to ignore.  Rodriquez realized that she may not immediately understand his frustration and backed away from the one-button control panel that was making his commute to work that much more frustrating. 
It was then that Rodriquez started his final technique that only he and any telepathic elevators would understand.  As the neighbor approached the elevator bay that Rodriquez had been warring with, Rodriguez started an internal countdown.  "I couldn't look like a maniac pressing the button over and over again or leaning into it like some sort of weirdo.  I live with this linebacker of a woman."  While he was in a hurry, he gave the elevators a very generous 30 seconds to comply with his intent that had been illuminated by a down arrow for roughly 3-4 minutes now.
The neighbor approached the elevator and gave Rodriquez a friendly nod as she noticed the light pink glow of the down arrow, letting her know that Rodriquez had saved her the trouble of summoning the elevators for her.  "27, 26, 25..."  Rodriquez said to himself as he turned to the manly older woman and said "I pressed it about 5 minutes ago, so only 15 more minutes to wait!"  She smiled politely at his over-exaggeration that stemmed from a mutual frustration from the poorly operating  elevators.  However, she offered no verbal response, which permitted Rodriquez to easily continue his countdown without disruption.
The whole time that the countdown was occurring, Rodriquez realized that he was bluffing the elevators.  While he wanted to let them know that he means business, he also wanted them to beat out the remaining seconds on his internal clock.  The only victor at the zero mark would be the door behind Rodriquez that lead to the cold concrete stairs.
As Rodriquez entered the teens in his countdown, the awkward tension between him and his silent neighbor was almost as much as the tension that had been created between Rodriquez and the rarely operational elevators.  His eyes darted slightly to the same colored brown door that hid the unforgiving stairs from view.  He knew that he would have to be strong if that became his only option. 
"9, 8, 7..."  Single digits.  Not a good sign.  It was then that Rodriquez heard movement from the center elevator!  The countdown paused as Rodriquez focused intently on it's potential movement to the 7th floor.  When he heard the "Ping" of the elevator as it's doors opened on the floor below him, Rodriquez gave up hope and raced through the last five numbers of his countdown as he headed to the door that held the stairs.
"I was disappointed,"  he said.  "I would have been in my car already, if it hadn't been for those elevators.  If I had taken the stairs in the first place.  I also had to take the stairs slower than I wanted to because I couldn't be all sweaty in my suit for work." 
The momentum caused by gravity made the decent down the stairs a bit more bearable for Rodriquez.  As he opened the door at the main level, he made a sharp left to the main doors of the building.  It was through those glass doors that he saw the wide shoulders of his neighbor.  She passed through the second set of glass doors and began through the parking lot to her car as Rodriquez's heart sank. 
As Rodriquez thought back on that moment, he said, "I will never know if the elevator that stopped on 6 was on it's way to pick us up or if one of the other two arrived shortly after I opted for the stairs.  But, either way, I have the makings of pit stains on my dress shirt and I haven't even left my apartment building, yet." 
Rodriquez encountered less traffic than expected on his way to work and thus encountered the shortest drive time of his career.  In the end, he was only six minutes late.  However, this was enough to get him fired.  He no longer lives at Badendorff Apartments, because he is now penniless and homeless.