Why Are There Troubles On The Southside?

Chicago – The Chicago White Sox are below .500 at 22 and 27, have a losing record at home and two teams in their division (The Tigers and Twins) have already had no-hitters. One was against The Sox. They also pay more salary to their players than most all other teams in the league. What has happened to this team, that held so much promise in the beginning of the season?

Don Cooper was asked recently to shed some light on what was going on with his team. “We can’t get wins. It isn’t like we are trying, we just can’t win. We usually end up losing.” He went on to list his losses and counted them on his fingers to verify that there were, in fact, more losses than wins. “I just don’t get it. I would rather more wins by this point in the season, than losses. Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way?”

When reached for a comment, Brent Morel, who plays third base for The Chicago White Sox, seemed confused. “I didn’t know the regular season had started. I was playing halfheartedly thinking these were all pre-season games. When did things kick-off?” He was pulled aside by a few members of the Sox's front office. After a short huddle with them, he then seemed to mentally put the pieces of the puzzle together and walked away ashamed. Some say they may have seen a tear.

A.J. Pierzynski has been splitting more time than usual with Ramon Castro as catcher. When the controversial Pierzynski was asked about why his team was so awful, he seemed to shrug it off. He causally said "We will get there when we get there. I'm not worried. There is still a lot of season left." He then abruptly changed the subject to himself. “I have stopped swinging for the fences. After years of being told I am not a power-hitter, I finally believed it when they showed me a montage of me hitting the ball directly to the center-fielder over 18,000 times. I thought that would help, but apparently it hasn’t. I think I should try hitting 'em out of the park again. Or, maybe I should dye my hair a different color...?” He then went on to talk about how proud he was of a promotional commercial he made for the team that involved a canon.

Paul Konerko has been one of the few team members that has remained somewhat close to consistent. He has already gotten 10 home runs in the short season, but that isn’t enough for a winning record for his team. “I’m sick of carrying this team. It’s an insult to be the only one with success and then to have everyone else -. It’s like they don’t even care. Maybe I should just do the bare minimum like A.J. It seems to work well for that freak.” He then proceeded to continue his batting practice at The Cell by angrily hitting a ball into the Chicago suburb of Lisle.
We then jumped into the broadcast booth to talk with Sox announcer, Ken “Hawk” Harrelson about the state of The Sox. As soon as he was asked for a comment, all the old man did was spout off his catch phrases that he hoped to make into t-shirts. “Can of corn! Duck snort. Souvenir left side! This team is OVA!” He then angered Steve Stone, once again, by calling him “Stone pony” before getting another beer, talking about a dead baseball player and going over the scores across the league. The sad thing was that the broadcast hadn't even started. Stone gave us a knowing look and then went back to doing some research.

Finally we caught up with Ozzie Guillén with hopes that he could shed some light on the current status of The Sox. “We playin’ da game an’ iz like – what da hell iz wit’ ‘em? I dunno. (unintelligible sounds) …gotta get dis off da grou. Day eatin’ us alive out der. Got ta work da offence an’ defense.” He then spat some sunflower seeds on the ground and began to walk away. But, before he got more than ten feet away, he spun around to shout back at us “At leas we ain’t da (expletive) Cubs!”