Woman Rashly Makes Important Decision

Sacramento, CA – Bonnie Feltzberg was working on her computer at work on Tuesday afternoon when a strange message occurred. Feltzberg works as an office administrator for an travel agency in the heart of Sacramento. Her skills are not limited to excellent organization, incredible people skills and extreme proficiency in typing, according to her online Monster.com resume that helped her land the job. One thing that the resume didn’t mention was a proficiency in computer programming.

While working on the online client database for her boss, Feltzberg encountered something she had never seen before. After taking a short break to get a cup of water from the water cooler across the offices, she returned to an error message at the top of her screen. “There it was,” said Feltzberg pointing to the top of her screen. “I didn’t know what to do.” The error message notified Feltzberg, the operator of the computer, that an unknown error had occurred and gave her the option to continue the script in question or to stop it. “I was puzzled. The only scripts I know about were the ones that I memorized for my high school plays,” chuckled Feltzberg. But, this was no laughing matter.

The choice to continue or stop the script rested in Feltzberg’s hands and she didn’t realize the implications of her actions. She considered contacting James in I.T., but soon remembered that he was on his lunch break and didn’t want to bother him with the option placed before her.

The mouse’s onscreen pointer hovered over both options as Feltzberg attempted to make a logical decision based on no computer knowledge what-so-ever. After what Feltzberg described as less than 20 seconds, but probably more than 10, she made her selection. She decided to stop the script.

“I figured, if it was doing something wrong, it was best to stop it. And if it was something vital for the computer to keep on going that the computer would start it up again.” Feltzberg waited a few more seconds to see if anything had changed. The mouse’s onscreen pointer showed that the computer was thinking for only a split second and then the familiar screen that was present before Feltzberg’s company time-stealing trip to the water cooler had begun.

What Feltzberg and many other naive Americans don’t realize is the importance of the scripts that run. With the cancellation of each script, an American job is lost to an overseas competitor. While Washington continues to wrestle with budgetary concerns, it has made little to no efforts to educate the uninformed about the weight of the decisions that they make while operating their computer when online.

Sacramento Senator Barbra Boxer was contacted about this matter. While she declined to comment, off the record, she mentioned that she has brought this issue up time and time again behind closed doors and others refused to take any initiative to develop even an advertising campaign to inform idiots what they are doing to our nation’s infrastructure. While Boxer said that in some arenas, they are making headway in alerting the brain-dead masses, it isn’t an issue that is glamorous enough to be spearheaded by any major politicians. Plus, most of them are making considerable profits in their own companies by the removal of American jobs and sending them overseas.

Feltzberg’s actions created a new position at a Sprint call center in New Delhi, India. They also caused the firing of a car salesman in Tallahassee, Florida.

Boxer, off the record, urges all Americans to think twice before stopping scripts. The next job you save may be your own, but hopefully it will be stupid Feltzberg’s.

Area Man Feels Toaster Took Too Long

Arlington Heights, Illinois– An area man, who did not wish to be identified, encountered a puzzling occurrence over the past weekend. Having lived in Arlington Heights for years now, he has never had an issue such as this one.

While preparing a roast beef sandwich this Sunday, Jarred Kilborne decided that he would like his sandwich on toasted rye. He felt that this would melt the mayonnaise slightly and give the sandwich a more unique taste as well as add a crunchy texture that Kilborne would find appealing. This decision was made after assembling the ingredients for the sandwich, which made the toasting of the rye the last step in the preparation. Had this decision been made earlier in the process, the toasting could have been done during other elements of the sandwich’s assemblage. Thus, saving time and allowing him to enjoy the sandwich at an earlier point.

However, the last minute decision of the toasting of the bread caused a halt in the preparation. Kilborne attempted to find other small tasks to fill this gap in order to feel more productive, but came up empty-handed at a task that would be both productive and not take up much of his time.

Much to his chagrin, Kilborne could have selected a task that would have devoured more time, for it seemed that his toaster was taking longer than usual to toast his bread. “I don’t understand it. I doubt that anyone has adjusted the toasting lever on my toaster to a higher setting. It has never taken this long.” said Kilborne about the extended toasting.

Kilborne began watching the toasting to be sure that the bread wouldn’t become over-toasted. This potential scenario would cause Kilborne to toss out the over-toasted bread and would leave Kilborne with no other alternative than to begin the process over again with new bread. This was something that he wished to avoid.

“It has never taken as long as it did. I wonder if something in the toaster has changed.” Many different hypotheses have evolved from this strange phenomenon. One being that the internal components of Kilborne’s toaster had been altered slightly to prevent a rapid toasting. However, experts tend to agree that the toasting time had not been lengthened, but that the perception of the time necessary to toast the bread to an appropriate level had not been accurately recorded. It is felt that due to the fact that the toasting of the bread was usually done while Kilborne was otherwise preoccupied with other elements of sandwich preparation, that the true length of time was altered by Kilborne’s perception of the toasting process in the first place.

“It was very odd. While it seemed to take a while, the bread did come out as the lever on the toaster suggested.” The continuity of the precise toasting performed by the toaster remained in tact, but Kilborne has made a solemn vow to continue to keep an eye on the toaster to be sure that it’s toasting perfection remains consistent. No more information was given on the final outcome of the sandwich.

Chicago Resident Is Unaware Of Awful 101.1 Change

Chicago – Chicago resident James Hovack has been in Chicago since 1993. He moved to Chicago from Boston, Massachusetts with nothing but his simple belongings packed tightly into his brand new 1993 Ford Escort (with ridiculous rims) to start a new life as a machinist in the Chicago suburb of Cicero. Despite having his presets on his 1993 Ford Escort tuned to Boston stations, he maintained them for 8 years in Chicago, saying that he didn’t know how to change them. Meanwhile, several girlfriends and majority of his friends who rode with Hovack in his Escort claimed that the true reason was laziness.

In 2001, Hovack obtained a 1997 Chevy Malibu that he still drives to this day. Hovack still maintains his job in Cicero and his residency in Chicago. However, with the new car, he adjusted the presets for his top five favorite FM and top five AM stations. (Which are of no importance, because no one listens to AM anymore.) This included (on the FM side) 97.9, The Loop, 94.7 The Zone, 101.1 Q101, 101.9 The Mix and 103.5 Kiss FM. He claimed that the Kiss FM station was to please a girlfriend at the time. However, some speculate that when alone Hovack enjoys singing along to the occasional Avril Lavigne song. This stems from one night where in a local bar, Avril Lavigne's “Girlfriend” played and Hovack sang each word flawlessly after several Bud Lights.

On Monday, Hovack was scanning his presets in search of a song that would put him in a good mood on his way to work. There were commercials on The Loop, The Mix and Kiss FM and The Zone no longer existed, but it was still on his presets. He fell on Q101 and was disgusted with what he heard. “It was a (expletive) Edwin McCain song!” he said recalling the horror. “What the (expletive) is going on with them?! I assumed it was one of their ‘This Request Sucks’ games and that the pain would end soon. But, it didn’t. They played the whole (expletive) thing! Honestly, who wants to hear ‘I’ll Be’ ever again? I’m sure that even Edwin (expletive) McCain can’t stand that stupid song.” Hovack went on to tell of how a strange female voice came on and said something difficult to understand along with the frequency with the sound of traffic or kids or something else annoying in the background and they broke for a commercial break.

Hovack was one of the very few that had not heard of the format switch of Q101 into awful music. What was once the only station in Chicago to play modern rock/alternative (Besides WXRT, which no one is trendy enough for) had changed to pansy music. Hovack was taken aback. He hadn’t heard the final sign-off of the many disc jockeys the week prior and was completely confused. “I expected to hear them comment on the joke and nothing happened. After the commercials they went into something that I was told was ‘Vertical Horizon.’” (After talking with Hovack’s friends it was revealed that Hovack actually attended an Vertical Horizon concert in the early 2000’s in Joliet and this was the reason he recognized the garbage.)

When asked if he would change his preset to something other than 101.1, Hovack said he wasn’t familiar with how to do such a change, but was shaking with anger over the change. Hovack was told how easy the change would be. He was instructed that he just had to locate a new station and hold down the #4, where Q101 had rested before, for a few seconds. However, he claimed that it wasn’t that simple. “Naw. Now I have to go through the hassle of finding another station? Plus, I would need to find the owner’s manual to figure this extremely technical stuff out.” he claimed.

Hovack’s friends feel that he may secretly welcome the change, being a closet pansy. However, Hovack says that he is just as enraged as the other 1 million former Q101 listeners and is currently looking through “Auto Trader” in order to find a new car with other Chicago presets to rectify his situation. He just hopes that he doesn’t buy one from a fan of La Ley 107.9 FM.

Another Detroit Athlete Goes To Court

Detroit - Jhonny Peralta, Short Stop for the Detroit Tigers Major League Baseball (MLB) team, will be taking the next two games off against the Oakland A’s to deal with personal matters. When first reported, the personal matters were not revealed, but it has been since discovered that Jhonny Peralta will be returning to Detroit without his team to attend a court date.

Jhonny Peralta is not attending court due to a heinous criminal charge, as most would think of a professional athlete these days, but instead to correct a wrong that has occurred years ago. He has constantly had to deal with a ridiculous spelling of his name. What started out as a typo on his Santiago, Dominican Republic birth certificate on 5/28/1982, has become a life-long explanation.

“I hate it. It is always among the first things that people ask. ‘What’s with the spelling of your name?’ And then I always have to take time out to let people know that it was a typo and I plan to have it fixed.” Jhonny Peralta has put off the minor legal hassle of changing his name for decades now. He finally filed the paperwork and will have his day in court tomorrow morning at 9am.

“Finally I can have the ‘H’ and the “O” swapped so that I can continue living my life.” Jhonny Peralta has 14 home runs and 50 RBI’s on the season, but feels that his team doesn’t really need him against the Oakland A’s. “It’s the (expletive) A’s, man. A t-ball team could beat ‘em. They’re like the Cubs of the West.” Peralta said about leaving his team during this series. His teammates, when asked about Peralta’s departure, agreed that now would be fine – not much is going on. They even said that they looked at the next two games as more of a couple of practices than the conclusion of a series. It is preparation for real teams that are coming up in the schedule. When asked why he didn't attempt to get a hearing during the All Star Break, Peralta said he tried, but the courts were already jammed solid with other MLB players getting their felonies pleaded down to misdemeanors.

Jhonny Peralta said he can’t wait for the relief that he will soon feel when people start recognizing him for his efforts on the field and not for his stupid name. “I will be happy when it is all done and I can move on with my life.”