Man Waits For Elevator

Jasper, IN - Kevin Rodriquez rents an apartment on the 7th floor of the Badendorff Apartments.  The
view is nice, but it comes at a price.  One that is a constant gamble for Rodriquez. 
On Tuesday morning, Rodriquez estimated that he was roughly 8 minutes late for work as he approached the elevators in the center of his floor.  "For some reason my cell phone's alarm didn't go off this morning."  Said Rodriquez of the lost eight minutes of time.  Luckily for him, he has a set routine and woke due to his internal clock and his Easterly facing windows.
Rodriquez pressed the down button and waited.  He listened to the three brown elevator doors to see which one would be ascending to pick him up for his decent.  He heard nothing from the right one and middle one.  The far left one was extremely finicky and he remembers hearing it opening and closing it's door on a different level.
Rodriquez attempted to use a different technique that seemed to work in the past.  He rapidly pushed the down button on the elevators' panel to indicate to the elevators that he was, in deed, in a hurry.  He started off by pressing it as rapidly as a child would while playing Nintendo in 1988 without a Nintendo Advantage that had the "Turbo" button.  (We won't speak of the NES MAX.)  When this didn't seem to have any effect on the motionless elevators, Rodriquez initiated his next technique.
"It was my next move in a slowly fleeting group of options."  Rodriquez admitted to us, later.  He then depressed the "down" button for 5-10 seconds at a time.  He hoped this would really

communicate to the elevators that he meant business.  He even leaned his body weight into the button to add the force and weight of the situation to communicate to the elevators his frustration with them.  It was while he was forcing the button into an unnatural state of being depressed that he heard the loud, heavy door of his neighbor being closed.  It was the large lady with the facial hair she obviously chose to ignore.  Rodriquez realized that she may not immediately understand his frustration and backed away from the one-button control panel that was making his commute to work that much more frustrating. 
It was then that Rodriquez started his final technique that only he and any telepathic elevators would understand.  As the neighbor approached the elevator bay that Rodriquez had been warring with, Rodriguez started an internal countdown.  "I couldn't look like a maniac pressing the button over and over again or leaning into it like some sort of weirdo.  I live with this linebacker of a woman."  While he was in a hurry, he gave the elevators a very generous 30 seconds to comply with his intent that had been illuminated by a down arrow for roughly 3-4 minutes now.
The neighbor approached the elevator and gave Rodriquez a friendly nod as she noticed the light pink glow of the down arrow, letting her know that Rodriquez had saved her the trouble of summoning the elevators for her.  "27, 26, 25..."  Rodriquez said to himself as he turned to the manly older woman and said "I pressed it about 5 minutes ago, so only 15 more minutes to wait!"  She smiled politely at his over-exaggeration that stemmed from a mutual frustration from the poorly operating  elevators.  However, she offered no verbal response, which permitted Rodriquez to easily continue his countdown without disruption.
The whole time that the countdown was occurring, Rodriquez realized that he was bluffing the elevators.  While he wanted to let them know that he means business, he also wanted them to beat out the remaining seconds on his internal clock.  The only victor at the zero mark would be the door behind Rodriquez that lead to the cold concrete stairs.
As Rodriquez entered the teens in his countdown, the awkward tension between him and his silent neighbor was almost as much as the tension that had been created between Rodriquez and the rarely operational elevators.  His eyes darted slightly to the same colored brown door that hid the unforgiving stairs from view.  He knew that he would have to be strong if that became his only option. 
"9, 8, 7..."  Single digits.  Not a good sign.  It was then that Rodriquez heard movement from the center elevator!  The countdown paused as Rodriquez focused intently on it's potential movement to the 7th floor.  When he heard the "Ping" of the elevator as it's doors opened on the floor below him, Rodriquez gave up hope and raced through the last five numbers of his countdown as he headed to the door that held the stairs.
"I was disappointed,"  he said.  "I would have been in my car already, if it hadn't been for those elevators.  If I had taken the stairs in the first place.  I also had to take the stairs slower than I wanted to because I couldn't be all sweaty in my suit for work." 
The momentum caused by gravity made the decent down the stairs a bit more bearable for Rodriquez.  As he opened the door at the main level, he made a sharp left to the main doors of the building.  It was through those glass doors that he saw the wide shoulders of his neighbor.  She passed through the second set of glass doors and began through the parking lot to her car as Rodriquez's heart sank. 
As Rodriquez thought back on that moment, he said, "I will never know if the elevator that stopped on 6 was on it's way to pick us up or if one of the other two arrived shortly after I opted for the stairs.  But, either way, I have the makings of pit stains on my dress shirt and I haven't even left my apartment building, yet." 
Rodriquez encountered less traffic than expected on his way to work and thus encountered the shortest drive time of his career.  In the end, he was only six minutes late.  However, this was enough to get him fired.  He no longer lives at Badendorff Apartments, because he is now penniless and homeless.

French Man Describes Thing

Paris, France - While on vacation for their 10 year anniversary in France, Joyce and Joey Williamson of Tomah, Wisconsin decided to go to the most romantic place on Earth, Paris, France.  Joyce spent months on her dial-up internet researching the "sights" of Paris as she assembled an itinerary that they both would love and remember.  Joey even made an extremely rare trip to the library to, as he puts it, "rent a book on France."  It was when leafing through the pages of the book that he realized that the famous Mona Lisa painting he had seen in school was in Paris in a museum of sorts.  He told Joyce that he would like to check that out, if they had time.
Joyce had done her homework and also had discovered the location of the painting as well as some highly recommended restaurants in her searches on American Online's homepage.  It was at one of these restaurants that a life-changing event for the Williamson's occurred.
The trip was planned.  The longer than expected plane ride (With embarrassing seatbelt extensions) was over and the Williamsons were battling jetlag as they began to enjoy their sandwiches at a recommended restaurant that Joyce had found.  It was in a residential part of the city that wasn't well-traveled, yet got high marks.  Due to the time of day, the Williamsons were the only customers dining there that afternoon.  It was nearly halfway through their dinning experience that a man ran up to their outdoor table.
The Williamsons both noticed him at roughly the same time as he ran directly toward them shouting

something in French.
"(French.)"  The man yelled as he rapidly approached the Williamson's tiny outdoor table.
The couple looked briefly at each other and quietly asked if they understood a word of what this tiny man was saying.
The man continued yelling as he grew nearer.  "(French.)"  The Williamsons cracked a smile at the animated little man who was trying to tell them something.  Their first instinct was to talk back to him in an French accident.
"Vat iz it dat you want?"  Asked Joey. 
The man briefly looked puzzled until he quickly went back to his rant.  "(French.)"  The lazy Americans tried to hide their smile at his weird sounds once again as Joyce began to fish through her purse for her 3 year old camera.  While the tape on the digital Kodak would suggest that it had seen better days, it did still work as she snapped a few photos of the man.

"These are going into our scrap book" she thought as she tried to pick up on a few of his words to use in the word bubble she would put over his head.
The tiny man grew more irate as the photos were snapped.  "(FRENCH!)"
They couldn't hold it in anymore.  The size of the man combined with the intensity of his strange words caused Joey to lose it and then Joyce had to join in.  When they caught their breaths, Joey muscled up the strength to leave his chair and become upright.  It was then that he posed next to the tiny man while pointing to him for a great photo opportunity for Joyce.  "Polly Veiw France, Eh?"  Said Joey ironically. 
The tiny man only became more frustrated.  "(FRENCH!)"  Now the two round Americans might as well be rolling on the ground.  Their laughter echoed between the buildings in the tiny alley that share the entrance of their restaurant.  It seemed endless as it traveled upwards to the puffy white clouds of France that afternoon.
The tiny man saw this, realized his ultimate frustration and gave up by quietly saying "(french.)"  As he slowly walked from their table, a block away, his daughter bled out.

Texting Epidemic

Roseburg, OR - Kevin Dominic wakes each day with regret.  It all stems from a typical Saturday afternoon in 1999.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and even the text conversation that he had with his friend, Rob(ert) Grayson, seemed pretty straight forward.  What Dominic didn't realize is that he would be the epicenter of the worst thing to happen to modern communication.
The conversation between Dominic and Grayson went like this:

Dominic:  Wanna see Office Space at Harvard Cinema at 7:15?
Grayson:  Sure.  Pick you up at 6:45.
Dominic: Kk

Dominic remembers it too clearly.  He sometimes fires up the Nokia 5150 he used to send the text to remind himself of his careless ways.  "I didn't mean to hurt anyone."  He reasoned.  "I just hit the 5 button twice."
Dominic claims that he meant to send Grayson "Ok" instead of "Kk," but that he accidently hit the wrong button.  This carelessness has lead to morons across the country confirming statements with two K's.  These same morons keep up with the Kardashians and find Ed Hardy appealing.  They also think Gluten is a bad thing.
"If I could take it back, I would.  I would..." Trailed off Dominic.  But he knows that the damage has been done.  "It has become so trivial today.  Majority of the time, it is used when it is not even needed.  It is a useless text.  I wonder how much data and time has been wasted with the 'Kk' text..." 
Researchers don't have a solid number, but they are confident that the value of the data lost exceeds $2.8 billion and had the time not been wasted, a cure to most major diseases would be solved by now.  The next time someone you love dies, remember Dominic.  He killed them with an alleged slip of his finger.

Phillip Phillips Writes New Insurance Commercial

Leesburg, GA - Earlier today, representatives from Phillip Phillips' camp reported that the singer/songwriter had just put the finishing touches on his newest creation for insurance company, American Family Insurance.  The new song will feature lyrics that will make the transition from song on the radio to song within commercial even easier.  While the song has not been released, several lines of lyrics have been leaked.  In an effort to focus on American Family's catastrophe insurance, the new song is said to have the line "My love for you will never change, even after the hurricane."  We will also hear "What beautiful music we will make, when you speak, I hear the Earth quake" and "I am mesmerized by your beauty, call today to update your coverage to include American Family's catastrophe insurance."
"It will be a great union between the commercial world of music and the commercial world of insurance ads on the radio."  Said Phillips on Twitter this afternoon.  His followers can't wait to hear how American Family Insurance will poorly edit the song around their familiar jingle and discover which Law and Order cast member will voice the ad.

Man Discovers Litter Bug

Kent, CT - Lenard Pegum is a nature lover.  At least once ever few weeks he visits Macedonia Brook State Park just to admire the beauty of the harmony of the plants and animals.  That is why he was so frustrated to discover that his town had a litter bug.
"It happens every day.  Every day."  Said a frustrated Pegum.  "I start my day with great optimism.  I look forward to the events that it holds.  Then I am immediately brought down by the disgusting actions of my town's litter bug."  It was then that Pegum held up the latest offence that this person had committed.
"I don't know what it is."  Pegum said.  "It appears as if someone has printed off news articles, rolled them into a tube and then placed them inside this flimsy plastic coating.  These are news articles that I looked up on my iPad yesterday, the day before or even over the weekend.  Even people with a Kindle Fire have already seen these."  Pegum went on to say that each day these print outs arrive on his drive way in the early morning.  These old news stories are arranged on the folded pages amongst advertisements that target the over 65 demographic.  "I would boycott the advertisements, if I ever patronized any of them.  But I don't need a reverse mortgage or commemorative plates."

Pegum, being a recycling aficionado, decided to take matters into his own hands, despite the pleas from his friends and family to avoid such great danger.  He took the day off of work to wait out the litter bug.  On Tuesday, October 8th, he sat at his front window with only some tea and his iPad to keep him company.  In the hard dinning room chair, he waited for his assailant.  The hours past as his Netflix cue got smaller and smaller.  He paused only for tea refills and bathroom breaks, but remained vigilant. 
Then, shortly after 5 am, the Litter Bug appeared.  "It wasn't all what I was expecting."  In a small white truck, a man drove slowly down Pegum's street.  "It was like a drive-by, except his lights were on."  Pegum watched the man assail his entire street with his garbage.  Tossing it out the window of his small truck with no remorse.  "I felt my blood boil.  This had to stop."
It was at that time that Pegum jumped from his chair, ran outside to confront his Litter Bug.  "'Hey!'  I yelled at him.  'What do you think you are doing?  Why are you ruining our neighborhood and the environment?  I already know what Congress voted on yesterday!  Stop tormenting us!'"  The man in the truck seemed slightly startled, but unfazed.  Despite his requests, Pegum was tossed an old paper bundle as the 30 something man drove by.
"He had piles of these old stories in his truck.  Piles of them."  It was then that Pegum realized that his street wasn't the only one that was being tormented.  It was bigger than he expected and he has committed his life to ending the assault on his neighborhood and nature.  He has now quit his job and plans on using his iPhone to contact some of the numbers on the old papers.  Pegum promises to get to the bottom of this and put an end to such ugliness.  This has replaced his prior mission of finding out who has been placing card stock coupons in the useless box at the end of his driveway.  "I don't even shop at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Why do I need 20% off?"

Woman Suspects Boyfriend

Morgantown, VA - Joanne Simmerson, of Morgantown Virginia, has been a waitress at Pugaloni's Pasta and Pizza for nearly two years.  In June, she fell for their long-term bus boy, Robert Oppenheimer.  After a long time of getting to know each other as co-workers, the couple decided to give a relationship a chance.  Robert worked up the nerve to ask her out while the two closed down the restaurant on Thursday, June 20th.  It wasn't until recently that Simmerson started having her suspicions of Oppenheimer.

"Things have been going well."  She said.  "A bit too well..."  Simmerson has recently started suspecting her boyfriend of fidelity.  "He is always around.  He tells me where he will be.  I am beginning to think that I am the only one that he is seeing." 

Simmerson didn't always think this.  Things started off rather normally.  Oppenheimer would see her once a week outside the restaurant in the beginning.  But, as things progressed, he saw her more and more.  Their dates grew a bit more lavish.  Instead of bowling, they went to a wine sampling, for example.  That is when Simmerson started having her suspicions.  "He even leaves the room without his cell phone - that isn't locked!  I mean, I could go through there and see his texts, e-mails, facebook - whatever.  It is as if he has nothing to hide.  His password on his laptop is even 062013!"  She went on to tell of the gifts that he would randomly give her.  Small tokens like flowers or her favorite candy bar, Peanut Butter Twix.  He has even gotten her a card "just because he was thinking of me."  That is when the red flags went up.

Simmerson has yet to confront Oppenheimer about her concerns, but plans too soon.  "It is the big elephant in the room," she said.  "I won't be able to sleep well until I know."  Oppenheimer hasn't been contacted for his side of the story at the request of Simmerson.  She plans on confronting him next Thursday, because she is too busy until then due to her seeing three other men.