New Revelations Found In Bin Laden's Diary

Washington D.C. – In a recent press conference, White House press agent, Jay Carney, announced that new information about Osama Bin Laden has been discovered through many incredible revelations within his diary. One of the many revelations was that he was a huge fan of the Fox sci-fi television series, “Firefly,” before Fox took it off the air. This move by Fox further fueled his hatred for the Western world. He also describes his frustrations as a Detroit Lions fan. He constantly wondered why they had no idea how to draft.

One of the most surprising of discoveries occurred only weeks before his death. Starting on Friday, March 18^th 2011, Bin Laden’s doubts of faith began when he simply wrote “Am I on the right path?” The next week, in between ramblings about not having enough snack food, he pondered whether Allah would “approve of the methods being carried out.” He then went on to say that perhaps he would “get more flies with honey than vinegar.”

It wasn’t until April that the biggest bombshell was recorded. On Sunday, April 10^th 2011, Bin Laden wrote that he “wanted to end this nonsense” and turn himself in. But, he wanted to convert to Catholicism first. He began engineering a network of pathways between his compound in Pakistan and Rome. This time, the directive was not for a terrorist attack, but a religious conversion.

He mentions grumblings heard from some of his supporters that he immediately silenced when he reminded them who he was. He anxiously awaited the pathway to be completed and hoped that it would be done by Easter. Unfortunately, he had to celebrate Easter in a small celebration with only 3 wives and 22 children. He did, however, have his first taste of Marshmallow Peeps and was thrilled with him. “They were excellent. But, I couldn’t eat them every day,” he remarked.

His last entry was on Sunday May 1^st 2001. He goes on for 7 pages on how he plans to be in Rome by the end of the week. And after his conversion, he would be more than willing to turn himself over to the world courts to answer for his crimes with a clean conscious. He talked about how excited he was to be able to get absolution from “The Pope, himself! What an admirable guy. I wish I had come to this realization years earlier.”

This was Bin Laden’s last entry. For, later that day, we shot the bastard in the eye.