Breaking News - Lottery Winner Saddened

Chicago, Illinois – The newest winner in the Illinois lottery is feeling rather bittersweet about the news. It was announced this morning that Jose’ Garcia won the Illinois Lottery’s “Cash for Life” promotion. He and his mother went in on a ticket and will be receiving $500 each week for the rest of their lives. There was much fanfare as the committee showed up with the over-sized check and the many reporters. Everything was going great until Patrick Elwood of Fox News, Chicago asked the man if he had wished he had won the money earlier.

“Of course.” said Garcia. “There have been some tough times that this money could have helped us with.”

“No. I mean with the end of the world coming tomorrow and everything.” Elwood shouted from the back. Garcia paused for a moment as great sadness washed over him. His mom began to weep and the reporters put down their cameras. No one but Elwood had put the two together.

For years now, Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world will be tomorrow, May 21^st. This message has been spread greatly through the use of a heavy marketing campaign in the past few months by Camping and his followers. He predicts that tomorrow marks Judgment Day and that the world will be destroyed completely five months later.

Upon putting the two scenarios together, Garcia asked why Jesus would do this. (He spoke of the savior, Jesus. Not his successful realtor cousin, Jesus.) “I have been a faithful follower of Jesus (The savior, not realtor) for years. I can’t believe that he would play a trick like this on us.” Garcia’s mother was too upset for comment.

When asked about the situation, Camping responded “Spend that first $500 all in one place, because you won’t be getting the second $500!” He then went on to recommend fancy steak houses, casinos or lower-priced mid-80’s automobiles on Craigslist.

What started out as a day of great bliss has ended in great sorrow. Garcia is unsure what his next move will be, but he plans to spend some time in church. “I was considering putting the $500 in the collection plate at church. But, that would be a waste, because they wouldn’t have time to spend it before Jesus (The savior, not realtor) returns.”